I'm for the Constitutional Amendment Defending Marriage. Print 'em up! Let's go.

Sure. Let's print up the forms, maybe even "How to amend the constitution" guides. Let's offer a bipartisan confab--seriously--to discuss acceptable language to the Republicans. Heck, we'll even pay for the hors d'oeurves. And we'll schedule a press conference for them--a joint press conference, where Democratic leaders will smilingly stand beside George, or Tom Delay, or Santorum or Whomever as they proudly hold up their shiny document that delineates the characteristics of marriage in America.

I propose the following outline.

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Whereas Marriage is a fine and sacred institution vital to the fabric of a Democratic Republic and a free and moral society, it is set forth that certain affirmations of consistent understanding be secured: To oversee the fair and effective regulation and disposition of this Amendment to the Constituion of the United States, it is decreed that a Family Integrity Agency (FIA) shall be formed, under the oversight of The Congress. Such dispositive duties and regulations shall consist of:

• Mandatory background checks to determine the purity of Virgin brides and grooms. 1 (one) year's public notice shall be given in advance of proposed weddings. Since high school and college attendance information figures are readily databased and accessible, all students familiar with the intended will notified by internet or postal mail and be allowed to comment on the veracity of claims of purity. Likewise, all current and prior employers and coworkers will be notified and queried. Licence issuance is contingent upon presentation of certified signatures of Approval from Clerics of Offically Recognized Faiths and, of course, the Father of the Female intended.

• No Infidelity. Let us propose also a zero tolerance feature, precisely like the one for drugs, etc: If you cheat, you lose your joint-filing IRS marriage deduction and your drivers license. Similarly, if you file for divorce (see below) as a result of said infidelity, you pay back the difference, plus interest, between 2 single filers and a married couple for the expended duration of the marriage. Documentation of said infidelity remains at the discretion of the Family Integrity Agency investigators. Citizens can file "Suspicion of Infidelity" inquiries with any local office of the Family Integrity Agency. (Efforts are being made to examine online registration of complaints and the submission of tips from parties outside the immediate relationship.) Private investigations must be conducted by licensed companies and only by investigators with forms 1291-A, 1209-8 of showing Marital Fidelity Compliance or Non-Divorced Single Virgin status.

• No Divorce. Our purpose is to secure, once and for all, the sanctity of the most sacred of bonds between a man and a woman. Needless to say "Sacred" until "Sacred" becomes inconvenient or you get bored hardly upholds the Sanctity of the concept of Sanctity. While divorce shall not be outlawed, only in those cases where one spouse can prove actual physical abuse at the hands of the other, will a Second marriage license be permitted. All other divorces shall be deemed, "One strike and you're out." No divorced person may hold public office affecting other married people or their offspring. Neither shall they be allowed to utter the words, Values, Character, Virtue, Morals, Decency, etc (See Appendix iii for complete list ), neither shall they inform public policy nor proselytise on any culturally sensitive issue, without suffixing each oral or written statement with: "the previous is the opinion of a person incapable of maintaining stable relationships."

• Family, defined currently as a man a woman and the offspring resulting from said union, should be a functioning efficient unit. After all, we don't need "families in name only"--people trading on the good grace and reputation of "real" happy families--leeching the societal and financial advantages of "family-ness" while misdirecting quality time owed their children to such other things as work or similar "anti-family" behaviour. State and Local Departments of Child Services and Federal HHS will be phased down, and replaced at a savings with a centralised Federal Family Integrity Agency, with 51 districts encompassing the 50 states and US Territories. Responsibilities will include monitoring interpersonal relations within family units, following the benchmark of the proven "traditional" family dynamic and structure. In this arrangement, it is understood that "Daycare" is a damaging, hurtful convenience merely for selfish parents. Likewise, it is understood that mothers working outside the home constitute a threat to the mental development and physical well being of dependent children and their husbands, if there is a husband present. Parents unable to comply with the 6-month phase out and de-licensing of remote, non-relation supervised childcare shall be placed on a watch list of "endangered families" and subject to supervisory visits by the appropriate FIA Compliance and Commitment Department Case Officers. If the wife is not obeying the husband, the husband is assesed a financial penalty commensurate to 10% of net income, pretax, to be garnished from wages and dividend income by emplyees and relevant finacial institutions under penalty for noncompliance. Under conditions of Maternal non-obeyeance ina two-parent household, the children are damaged by such a dysfunctional "anti-head of the family" situation, so they'll need to be closely supervised by the assigned Family Integrity Agency oversight body and subject to placement in FIA authorised "model family" foster environments for observaton and any necessary character remediation.

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There. that's just an outline, and none too soon if you ask me. Once we get this one rolling, I have some ideas on:

• The Why talk about Me when you're so much more Screwed up Amendment
• The Vice pays Homage to Virtue Corporate Governance Is So 20th Century Amendment
• The Lobbying IS Democracy in Action Amendment. (Formerly known as the Billy Tauzin Take this Government Job and shove it, now I'm going to sell my influnce to the highest bidder Act.)
• The If I Go Down With the Ship, Who's Going to Drive the New One? Retroactive and Anticipatory Blanket Pardon for Poobahs and Politcos Amendment
• The It's not Child Abuse if I'm a Priest Amendment
• The It's only a Problem if you Make it a Problem Energy and the Envionment Secrecy Amendment.
• The Republicans don't believe in Deficits and can't be blamed for deficits no matter what the facts are and it's always the Democrats fault anyway Amendment.
• The Look at the Money We'll Save on Stationery by Always Having Presidents named Bush Amendment
• The Presidential Signature, Two-Proofs of Purchase and an enclosed Self-Addressed Stamped Envelope Streamlining the Amending of The Constitution Amendment

Come on, time's a wastin' Let's go!