Cartoon Boat Veterans for Truth.



Naval veteran's "stays crunchy in milk" claims called into question.

BATTLE CREEK, MI: In the seemingly never ending tit-for-tat struggle for 2-dimensional leadership, new battle lines have been drawn. Yesterday, credible new sources stepped forward calling into question one leading candidate's resume and qualifications.

Independent sources suggest that Cap'n Crunch, decorated veteran and skipper of storied vessel, "The Guppy," may actually be lactose intolerant and never saw any "real milk action." This stepped-up campaign mudslinging follows on last month's still-unanswered Crunch demands to know "How'd you get that pot of gold, Lucky? Does the IRS know?"

Amid claims and counter-claims of "rotting the teeth of America's Future[sic]," no campaign charge is left behind: "Our candidate's been in the bowl--Vitamin D, 2%, Skim and soy. We know the horrors of Dairy and non-dairy substitutes," said Lt. Rocket J. Squirrel, (Ret.), Communications Director for Crunch.

Hearing the charges, incumbent Lucky the Leprechaun, on a campaign swing through Indiana told voters at a Waffle House in Bloomington, "I knew General Mills. I served with General Mills; General Mills was a friend of mine. You, Cap'n, are no General Mills."

General Mills was on maneuvers and unavailable for comment at the time of this report, but American Flagg, patriot, past Cartoon Commander-in-Chief and unofficial advisor to the Crunch campaign noted: "If I was Mr. Lucky, I'd pipe down.... 'Magically Delicious? Pink moons? Purple horseshoes? Sounds pretty 'girly' to me. Not that there's anything wrong with that."