Institutional Metastasis: The Rot from within

Cox News Service

WASHINGTON - Karen Hughes, who officially takes her job today as head of the nation's image-building effort abroad, said Thursday that Hurricane Katrina has complicated her already formidable task.

But while much of the international criticism has centered on the Bush administration's response to the storm, Hughes said something else is a problem for America's image around the world: the crime that followed.

Ooooo-eee. Follow the logic: Sarbanes-Oxley is far worse than the Worldcoms and Enrons and the business crisis of confidence that birthed it. Lying to our selves and fellow citizens (unsuccessfully) is more important than acknowledging the the truth your target--the rest of the world--now indelibly carts around in their head: The boss is all show, no go, just as they've suspected. Karen, it's very bad mojo to leave your steer and its droppings in your prospect's office or living room and then play "Look! A bee!"

"The images of crime being committed in the face of an awful natural disaster is hard for anyone to understand, people around the world and Americans. It sickens me as an American," she said. "How could criminals prey on vulnerable elderly citizens and children during a time of such horror?"

Like President Bush, Hughes acknowledged that the overall government response effort has been flawed, but she did not include that as a reason why the image of the United States might further suffer as a result of the storm.

Hughes, a longtime Bush aide and confidante, takes the oath of office today as the State Department's undersecretary for public diplomacy and public affairs, where her job is to improve America's global image.

Some people really should know better. Charlotte Beers gave it a good go, and knew she was doomed by day 2 on the job. But Karen Hughes, well, some people are just too far gone; one turn too far into the labrynthe....

A 100-year old nail making company had grown to mega-size and was getting rocked by competition. The Chairman called his directors together and said, "We're stodgy and boring! Nails are boring! We need personality. We need to advertise!"

His executives called in all the top creative agencies. They picked the best one and told the chief, "it's gonna be great!" 3 months later, the Chairman gets a memo from the company CEO: "Our spot airs tonite. First slot, first break, during the six-o-clock news. It's brilliant!"

The boss gets home that night and settles in front of his big screen just in time for the commercial break: The spot opens on something tan and out of focus with the sound of wind and crows squawking under. As we pullback, we see it's dirt we're looking at as the camera begins to pan and tilt up to reveal a post--it's a post in the dirt. The camera reverses direction, still tilting, and we see sky, then another reverse and another piece of wood, only it's horizontal this time. We pan along and see fingertips, and slowly pull back to reveal fingers, and a palm, and a big honking nail through the palm. The company logo comes up and a booming biblical voiceover says: "Try...Hobson's...Nails."

The chairman drops his scotch, falls out of his chair and leaps at the phone. He calls the CEO, "Idiot!!! You don't sell nails by saying you helped kill the world's biggest religious figure! Pull it, now! Get another agency and get it right, or you're fired!" 3 months later, the Chairman gets another memo: "The spot airs tonite. First slot, first break, during the six-o-clock news, we've got it right this time, and it's brilliant!"

Same setup: Chairman, bigscreen TV, scotch and first commercial break: Open on an aerial shot, moving high over a shimmering desert. On the ridge of a huge sand dune in the distance, we see a dust trail. As the shot moves in, we see tiny figures running; closer still we see it's 2 people chasing somebody. Still moving in, we see the guy in front has white, flowing robes and a beard as he runs out of frame. Closer still and we see the two chasers are wearing .... dresses? ....no, they're roman soldiers. Camera cuts to the two, now stopped and exhausted, trying to catch their breath. One soldier turns to the other and says: "should have ... -huff- ... used ... -wheeze- ... Hobson's Nails."

When I told my brother I was going into advertising 15 years ago, his response was to tell me this joke. He's an allegorical dude.